Gucci-opoly

I’m writing this through watery eyes and a series of uncontrolled sneezes. It’s gross. Let’s just say I learned the hard way that I’m allergic to cats. We’ll talk about that later.

I joke a lot about being The Golden Child simply due to the fact that the most random things happen to me. And only me. Like what, you say? Well I’m glad you asked!

Recently I went to deposit a payroll check into my bank. I was smokin’ hot that day. For some reason, I was really feeling my slick edges & new pedicure. That means ‘all this’ would go to waste if I had deposited the check into the ATM. In retrospect, that would’ve been a much better idea. An-tyhow, I go inside the branch, walked up to the teller with a big smile on my face, and slid her my signed check. We held small talk. I blushed at the security camera. Few minutes later, I pranced back to my car & drove to Chipotle. Ballin’.

The next morning, I had big plans to spend at least half of that money between Target and Trader Joe’s. Okay, not half, but you get my point. I checked my account (which I freakishly do every single morning—no lie) only to find my balance was SIGNIFICANTLY lower than it was the day before. I hopped online. I called customer service. I went back to the branch…they were closed…I went to another one. Thank God I kept my deposit receipt as proof. After four long, draining hours, they all confirm there is no record of my transaction! Hell to the naw.

I was furious. And I also had to wait until Monday morning when the branch was open in order to complete my dispute. Long story shorty, there was an “encoding error” and the check was rejected from my account. So then they credited my account and things seemed okay. For the moment. Not only had they given me my money, but the transaction posted three times and—basically I heard my bank account sing “Rack City” through the ATM. Hell to the naw.

So what did I do to overcome the stress of these financial ‘issues’? I went to church! What else? I’m kidding, I don’t run to church every time something bad happens, rather I do the opposite. I don’t even GO to church (we’ll talk about that later) but this particular Sunday, the sun was tapping me on my shoulder. So I got up & went.

There was a church I’d heard about when I first moved to LA. I probably visited six different ones in just a few months. Well a group of buddies decided we should all go to this particular church together. Okay, I’m in.

I get there and while walking across the parking lot, a grandpa-looking man stopped me. “Hey sistah! This must be yo first time herre, I ain’t seent you befo!” He reached for a handshake. “Yes, this is my first time.” He smiled big, “Well come on in herre so we can sho ya some love!!” His enthusiasm scared me.

I sat down in an open row near the middle. Not too close, but not too far in the back. And I’ve already made up my mind not to stand during the recognition of visitors. The service begins and suddenly, I’m pushed aside. Wayyyy aside…for some lady and her two kids. I couldn’t help but notice all the flashy jewelry she was wearing and her Gucci purse she placed by her feet (Gucci on the floor?). Her curly-haired little girls were quietly drawing on their iPads. I’m thinking I’ve seen this lady somewhere before. Somewhere.

And whaddya know, she was the first person to stand up when the pastor inquired about visitors. All eyes on me her now. As I hear her voice, it took me 2 seconds to remember where I knew her from. Basketball Wives LA. That explains her gaudy bracelets and perfected praise clap.

The whole situation made me laugh. I’m looking at her, the kids, that Gucci bag (it was nice, y’all) and thinking about all the viewers who envy the lives of women like this and would love to trade places with me. Trust me, I read their comments on Twitter. And here I was sitting next to her… with a banking error in my favor… and an attitude! In all the open seats, I had to move for her?!

So I lived in that moment, although I didn’t make it rain, I felt a complete sense of peace. I stopped worrying about my minor crisis & tried to open my eyes to the bigger picture. And don’t ask me what the big picture is because I was too distracted to pay attention to the preaching. Kidding.

But I hear there’s a lot to be said about where a woman places her purse; I picked mine up off the floor and put it on the bench right next to me.

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My 25 At 25

These are things that I, Rhonda, have known to be factual during my first quarter-century of life:

1) You define your own life. Don’t let others write your script. -Oprah

2) People lie.

3) Credit cards are not the devil. But you must learn to use them (and credit) to your advantage.

4) Contraception is not a bad word.

5) State-funded programs are for the needy. Sign up if you’re in need.

6) NEVER argue with anyone over age 65. They know everything and will always win.

7) People grow and grow apart. That’s life.

8) Everyone won’t be your friend. Some are just there to give you good laughs or buy you drinks, and that’s called being nice. You don’t owe them for that.

9) Do some research and learn your car. Don’t take the mechanic’s word as bond (refer to #2).

10) Incoming phone calls after 10pm should go unanswered unless they pertain to your job. 99% of the time, the call is not an emergency and you KNOW this.

11) Try everything once, good or bad, and don’t take anyone’s word for it. That way, you create your own outcome and never have to say, “Well I heard…”

12) Nothing good comes from eating the whole bag of $4 chips or more than 5 Oreos at a time.

13) Wear a scarf at the first sign of cooler weather; something my Granny would call “pneumonia weather.” For some reason, it saves you from catching a cold.

14) People think their religion is the ‘right’ one. Follow what’s in your heart because you won’t discover the truth anyway until you die.

15) Technology will keep changing. Remember how cool you thought Nintendo-64 was? Or playing Snake on your Motorola? Yeah, just wait till next year.

16) Everything costs money (unless you live with parents). Spend it!

17) If you don’t like Ice Cube, Tupac, Dr. Dre, or Snoop, then never turn on the radio in LA. Ever.

18) Hair will grow back. Eventually.

19) There are few things on this earth more beautiful than Usher, Lamman Rucker, Ndamukong Suh, or flowers respectively.

20) Never settle! That one flaw about him/her/that car/that house/that job will make you miserable if you commit to it.

21) No one under age 24 knows what it means to be in love. Studies show that your brain’s frontal lobe (responsible for higher cognitive emotions and problem solving) isn’t fully developed until at least age 21. So there.

22) If it’s on sale, wait a while, and it’ll be on sale again for less. That’s why Macy’s has a “1-day sale of the year” every weekend.

23) Olive oil loses it’s flavor as it is heated.

24) It never hurts to pay it forward. One day, you’ll wish someone paid you something…or anything!

25) Every child deserves to see both parents when they awake and fall asleep. Children are innocent and shouldn’t be subject to their parents’ immature behavior or premature decisions.

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