Holy Rollin’

Is This Where I Should Lay My Burdens?

This is going to sound like a mean rant. And it is. So if you’re easily offended by religious discussion, I invite you to stop reading now.

I still have your attention?! Great.

Recently, I was watching some re-runs of “Run’s House” and I noticed that when Justine answered the phone, she greeted callers with, “praise the Lord!” Nothing wrong with that, I actually thought it was cute…and funny. But what I liked about Justine as the episode progressed was that she kept it real. You know, went about her regular business and wasn’t pushing her Lord on anybody. Shall we talk about keeping it real?

I used to attend a mega church in Los Angeles (to remain nameless) and every Sunday, I sat in the same seat. Smack dab in the front about 5 rows from the altar. I like to be able to see EVERYthang that’s going on without distractions. Any further back & I may as well stay home to watch it online. I wanted chuuuch. There was a lady around my Mom’s age who would save my seat. I liked her. She had the best hats to go with her outfits and never had a rip in her pantyhose. She was fly! We’ll call her Church Lady.

Church Lady loved to tell me her business because, in her eyes, I was like a daughter. So I listened. I listened to her tell me about the tired men who take her out on cheap dates. I listened to her gossip about Sistah Big Bones across the aisle. I listened to her tell me how God blessed her with a new Benz (she went for a C-class but they offered an E-class for a good price). And I listened to her tell me about her teenage sons who, for whatever reason, never want to sit next to her and looooove their daddy. Church Lady kept it real with me every week. And she even asked for my number so she could call me in case I missed a Sunday! Ok, that’s called being nosey, but you get my point.

Like Justine, Church Lady knew she wasn’t perfect. She never tried to be except when it came to her flawless hair & makeup. Her weave was whipped and her M.A.C. was matte. Impeccable. She was just like me: in church to hear a message from God so that I can make it through the week. Except her gossip was my little bonus. But after a while, I grew tired of this mega church. It started to feel like I was watching a live TV show versus being in the House of God. So I stopped going.

I would visit church after church. I sat in the front rows only to watch more live TV…which sucks because I work in TV. But I’m hesitant about visiting this one church that many of my associates go to because—well, they’re pretty much heathens (we’ll come back to this later).

Back to Justine and Church Lady. We all KNOW for a fact that outside of church, people live sinful normal lives just like you and me. So what’s the use of trying to pretend like you don’t? A dear, dear friend of mine called me the other day with the most judgmental conversation I’d ever heard, and it made my skin crawl. This person seems to profess their love for God (or some god) more than anyone I can name. Doesn’t the Bible mention that God is the ultimate judge? Doesn’t this same God forgive us of our sins, regardless of who we are?

I am sick and tired of religious/church people condemning the world like their sh!t doesn’t stink. Most of all, I’m fed up with them pretending to love God so much that they forgot how to be human. These are the types people who add ‘if the Lord is willing’ after every question (ex: “hey, you going to Joy’s party on Saturday?” “girrrl, I will if the Lord is willing!”). Really? You consult with God on every decision you make? Did you ask God to help you choose those 3 baby-daddies or was that all you? Did you ask God to give you the words to curse out that rude chick in line at White Castles? Please tell me God didn’t direct you to buy a Land Rover and your rent is 3 months behind? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

The part I think is the saddest is there are people in the world who don’t believe in God (or any god) whatsoever, and then they look at the Holy Rollers with their non-sense. Who wants to be affiliated with that? Get over yourself. And while I’m at it, can’t we all just get along?

Some may say that I’m now judging them on their behavior. I call it stating the facts. Bottom line is we all get one chance at life. And this is it. How you choose to live yours may not line up with what I’m doing, and vice versa. But that in no way means I am wrong and you are right! It means we’re uniquely human. And my uniquely human hand wants to *in my Mama Braxton voice* smack the piss out of them! Just like this dude ‘be smacking his hoes.’

End rant.

“Made Up My Mind”
[1st Verse:]
Lord they really think they fooling you by coming to church on Sunday
praying and laying hands on folks stomping and jumping around
faking the holy ghost
but its a thin line between walking it and talking it
living it and giving it or just pretending it’s alright
and did they really think that they could pull the wool over your eyes Lord
did they really think that by faking they were saved that
they would get the same reward
this be the realest thing I ever wrote for sure
after this a lot of folks wont like me no mo’
but after this I gotta go answer to you Lord
so I’ve made up my mind I’m a go to church on Sunday
and sing a song that may hurt somebody’s feelings so that maybe
thy will, will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
and hopefully they will see
how much they really be discouraging a little old sinner like me
[2nd Verse:]
And Lord who they think they jiving by singing these songs full of glory
then out in the world it’s a different story
I’m running out of people to pray for me
I’m not trying to act like I’m the perfect man
but if you speak about it, you should be about it
not just preach about it all day
cause if you do you run the risk of chasing some
of the most beautiful people away
and it is never my intention to discourage you rather encourage you
to change your life today
this be the realest thing I ever had to say,
but after this a lot of folks wont like me no mo’
but after this I gotta go answer to you Lord
so I’ve made up my mind I’m a go to church on Sunday
and sing a song that may hurt somebody’s feelings
so that maybe thy will, will be done
on earth as it is in heaven
and hopefully they will see
how much they really be discouraging a little old sinner like me

Don’t Be A Menace to Santa Monica While Drinking Someone’s Juice In The Office


Rhonda. We're good for you.

This is what it looked like. A beautiful array of juices on a single shelf in the fridge.

Let me back up for a second. I work in an office where there’s a drink cooler similar to ones you see in a corner store. The drinks are ‘complimentary’, right? So on this particular day, I looked past the Diet Coke and Snapple to one of these delightful healthy juice choices. My guess was that some small LA-based company sent them for us to try. What I didn’t pay attention to was that each one was labeled with a number 1 through 6. I ignored them. I grabbed the Grapefriut/Mint flavored one and went back to my desk. I even called up to the receptionist to make sure they didn’t belong to anyone, she assured me they were for the office.

Minutes later, I hear what appeared to be a storm moving from door-to-door and was quickly approaching my cubicle. It arrived before my eyes.

“You took my juice? I need that, I’m starving! Can I have it back???”

Apparently, one of my male co-workers was on a new juice fast and I was drinking his #3 meal of the day. I was so embarrassed! I apologized, gave him the 7/8 full bottle of (delicious) Grapefruit/Mint juice and walked in shame the rest of the afternoon. I even heard a male co-worker in the distance say, “You drank his juice? Oh man, you ARE from St. Louis!” (Sidenote: insert my woo-sahhhh moment…he doesn’t know me.)

Did I miss something? Why didn’t he just label “Do Not Touch” on his juice like everyone else seems to do in this sort of environment? Is there an unwritten code that these types of men abide by that women seem to blatantly ignore? I know that years of research has been done on us women…because other humans just don’t understand us.

I ran across a post if you click right here you will see it on verysmartbrothas.com that got me thinking about the huge mental gap between men and women. So let me break down a few things that the Curvalicious Species does that Those Without Boobs will never wrap their minds around (I actually don’t get why/how we do these things either, just saying):

1) SWITCH INTO “HO MODE”— You’re in the club looking at a group of gorgeous women who seem to be chillin’ in the corner. They’ve gone to the bar, bought their own drinks, and appear to be a decent group of somewhat-conservative chicks having a bougie girls night out. Then the DJ plays Juvenile’s “Back That Azz Up” and each of these women are now dancing topless on the tables. Ok, maybe not topless, but you get the point. Every girl has an inner ho and it’s bound to come out at the most random moment. Usually after two drinks.

2) TALK FOR HOURS— I can’t even begin to explain this one. What in the world is so important that we run down entire cell phone batteries so we can switch to the house phone and continue the conversation? Yes, I’m guilty of this. No, I can’t comprehend it.

3) HOARD ITEMS/EMOTIONS/MEN/EVERYTHING–I was recently discussing my shoe addiction with a friend (who also shares the same addiction and we’re a force when we’re together) when she brought up a memory of her ex. Not only did she break up with this guy years ago, but our conversation had nothing to do with him. What is happening in her brain that won’t allow her to let go of that guy (or any guy)? And why do we buy four pairs of the same shoe (or shirt) in different colors?  Women.

4) ANNOYING VOICE INFLECTIONS— This happens when we first see each other in a public place. There’s a 3-second deep breath, a scream, then a OhMyGoooossshhhh-iHaventSeenYouInSoooooLooonnnnng followed by jumping up and down and hugging. Ugh. Women. Just say hi.

5) GET MAD OVER TEXT/EMAIL— Again, although guilty, I. Do. Not. know why we do this. Everybody knows words have connotations that aren’t necessarily communicated correctly in a print fashion (see #2 above). Example: Girl gets mad over Guy for not answering the phone when she called him last night while he was partying (we’ll come back to this later). It is now morning, and he texts her “what u doin?” She furiously sends him a 400-word Facebook message about how she deserves better, has sacrificed so much for Guy, he doesn’t value their relationship, blah blah blah. Guy replies “ok.” Girl storms over to his house, livid, and bangs on the door. Guy opens the door and has clearly just rolled out of bed as he’s still in pajamas. Girl screams, “So that’s all you’ve got to say is ‘ok’??? Really?” WTF just happened? Guy has no idea. But women do.

My people out there, what else do can you think of that many women do and makes no logical sense? Talk to me.

My 25 At 25

These are things that I, Rhonda, have known to be factual during my first quarter-century of life:

1) You define your own life. Don’t let others write your script. -Oprah

2) People lie.

3) Credit cards are not the devil. But you must learn to use them (and credit) to your advantage.

4) Contraception is not a bad word.

5) State-funded programs are for the needy. Sign up if you’re in need.

6) NEVER argue with anyone over age 65. They know everything and will always win.

7) People grow and grow apart. That’s life.

8) Everyone won’t be your friend. Some are just there to give you good laughs or buy you drinks, and that’s called being nice. You don’t owe them for that.

9) Do some research and learn your car. Don’t take the mechanic’s word as bond (refer to #2).

10) Incoming phone calls after 10pm should go unanswered unless they pertain to your job. 99% of the time, the call is not an emergency and you KNOW this.

11) Try everything once, good or bad, and don’t take anyone’s word for it. That way, you create your own outcome and never have to say, “Well I heard…”

12) Nothing good comes from eating the whole bag of $4 chips or more than 5 Oreos at a time.

13) Wear a scarf at the first sign of cooler weather; something my Granny would call “pneumonia weather.” For some reason, it saves you from catching a cold.

14) People think their religion is the ‘right’ one. Follow what’s in your heart because you won’t discover the truth anyway until you die.

15) Technology will keep changing. Remember how cool you thought Nintendo-64 was? Or playing Snake on your Motorola? Yeah, just wait till next year.

16) Everything costs money (unless you live with parents). Spend it!

17) If you don’t like Ice Cube, Tupac, Dr. Dre, or Snoop, then never turn on the radio in LA. Ever.

18) Hair will grow back. Eventually.

19) There are few things on this earth more beautiful than Usher, Lamman Rucker, Ndamukong Suh, or flowers respectively.

20) Never settle! That one flaw about him/her/that car/that house/that job will make you miserable if you commit to it.

21) No one under age 24 knows what it means to be in love. Studies show that your brain’s frontal lobe (responsible for higher cognitive emotions and problem solving) isn’t fully developed until at least age 21. So there.

22) If it’s on sale, wait a while, and it’ll be on sale again for less. That’s why Macy’s has a “1-day sale of the year” every weekend.

23) Olive oil loses it’s flavor as it is heated.

24) It never hurts to pay it forward. One day, you’ll wish someone paid you something…or anything!

25) Every child deserves to see both parents when they awake and fall asleep. Children are innocent and shouldn’t be subject to their parents’ immature behavior or premature decisions.

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