Don’t Be A Menace to Santa Monica While Drinking Someone’s Juice In The Office

Juices

Rhonda. We're good for you.

This is what it looked like. A beautiful array of juices on a single shelf in the fridge.

Let me back up for a second. I work in an office where there’s a drink cooler similar to ones you see in a corner store. The drinks are ‘complimentary’, right? So on this particular day, I looked past the Diet Coke and Snapple to one of these delightful healthy juice choices. My guess was that some small LA-based company sent them for us to try. What I didn’t pay attention to was that each one was labeled with a number 1 through 6. I ignored them. I grabbed the Grapefriut/Mint flavored one and went back to my desk. I even called up to the receptionist to make sure they didn’t belong to anyone, she assured me they were for the office.

Minutes later, I hear what appeared to be a storm moving from door-to-door and was quickly approaching my cubicle. It arrived before my eyes.

“You took my juice? I need that, I’m starving! Can I have it back???”

Apparently, one of my male co-workers was on a new juice fast and I was drinking his #3 meal of the day. I was so embarrassed! I apologized, gave him the 7/8 full bottle of (delicious) Grapefruit/Mint juice and walked in shame the rest of the afternoon. I even heard a male co-worker in the distance say, “You drank his juice? Oh man, you ARE from St. Louis!” (Sidenote: insert my woo-sahhhh moment…he doesn’t know me.)

Did I miss something? Why didn’t he just label “Do Not Touch” on his juice like everyone else seems to do in this sort of environment? Is there an unwritten code that these types of men abide by that women seem to blatantly ignore? I know that years of research has been done on us women…because other humans just don’t understand us.

I ran across a post if you click right here you will see it on verysmartbrothas.com that got me thinking about the huge mental gap between men and women. So let me break down a few things that the Curvalicious Species does that Those Without Boobs will never wrap their minds around (I actually don’t get why/how we do these things either, just saying):

1) SWITCH INTO “HO MODE”— You’re in the club looking at a group of gorgeous women who seem to be chillin’ in the corner. They’ve gone to the bar, bought their own drinks, and appear to be a decent group of somewhat-conservative chicks having a bougie girls night out. Then the DJ plays Juvenile’s “Back That Azz Up” and each of these women are now dancing topless on the tables. Ok, maybe not topless, but you get the point. Every girl has an inner ho and it’s bound to come out at the most random moment. Usually after two drinks.

2) TALK FOR HOURS— I can’t even begin to explain this one. What in the world is so important that we run down entire cell phone batteries so we can switch to the house phone and continue the conversation? Yes, I’m guilty of this. No, I can’t comprehend it.

3) HOARD ITEMS/EMOTIONS/MEN/EVERYTHING–I was recently discussing my shoe addiction with a friend (who also shares the same addiction and we’re a force when we’re together) when she brought up a memory of her ex. Not only did she break up with this guy years ago, but our conversation had nothing to do with him. What is happening in her brain that won’t allow her to let go of that guy (or any guy)? And why do we buy four pairs of the same shoe (or shirt) in different colors?  Women.

4) ANNOYING VOICE INFLECTIONS— This happens when we first see each other in a public place. There’s a 3-second deep breath, a scream, then a OhMyGoooossshhhh-iHaventSeenYouInSoooooLooonnnnng followed by jumping up and down and hugging. Ugh. Women. Just say hi.

5) GET MAD OVER TEXT/EMAIL— Again, although guilty, I. Do. Not. know why we do this. Everybody knows words have connotations that aren’t necessarily communicated correctly in a print fashion (see #2 above). Example: Girl gets mad over Guy for not answering the phone when she called him last night while he was partying (we’ll come back to this later). It is now morning, and he texts her “what u doin?” She furiously sends him a 400-word Facebook message about how she deserves better, has sacrificed so much for Guy, he doesn’t value their relationship, blah blah blah. Guy replies “ok.” Girl storms over to his house, livid, and bangs on the door. Guy opens the door and has clearly just rolled out of bed as he’s still in pajamas. Girl screams, “So that’s all you’ve got to say is ‘ok’??? Really?” WTF just happened? Guy has no idea. But women do.

My people out there, what else do can you think of that many women do and makes no logical sense? Talk to me.

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