This Is How It Goes Un-noticed

What on EARTH is a boundary?

Alright, alright. Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain. I found this picture on a blog yesterday & it has sparked a TON of outcry, controversy, and comments.

The man pictured in the photo is Bishop Larry Trotter of a church in Chicago, Illinois. He is seen with his four-year-old granddaughter; apparently she had wandered into the bathroom and wanted to take part in playing with bubbles. According to the report from Current.com, both the grandfather & the child put on swim trunks then she got in the tub with him. Of course in the picture, it’s not obvious whether they are fully nude. Anther article also proclaims the mother of the child took the picture.

After reading several blog sites where this image was posted and seeing viewer comments, I need to vouch my opinion. Shall we proceed? Good….

1) How was this little girl wandering into the bathroom? Granted, I didn’t grow up in a house with my dad, but I spent several nights at Grandma’s house with her & Grandpa. He never went into the toilet without locking the door. I don’t know the specific circumstances around Trotter’s household, but something about that fact didn’t seem right.

2) Why is the (grown ass) mother in the bathroom as well? TAKING THE PICTURE? Again, something about this shit is way too liberal.

3) The kid is age 4 or 5. I know how inquisitive kids are at age 2, so by 5, their tiny brains are cranking like factory machines. Fa sho. Even if she was wearing swim trunks, girls should wear a whole swimsuit. Period. She is at a very vulnerable age where it shouldn’t be okay to take a picture “topless” in the bathtub.

4) Did he forget he was a pastor? With social media being as powerful as it is, you can never be too careful. And as a man in the public eye, you KNOW you gotta watch your back!!! You mean to tell me the picture miraculously appeared to your Instagram page without your permission? Wake up & smell the rhinestones, dude…someone is trying to frame you.

5) This is how perverts slip through the cracks and we (as humans) end up on the news with the I-don’t-know-how-this-happened-because-he-wasn’t-like-that face. Lookin’ stupid. Not saying Trotter is by any means a child predator, I’m simply stating that parents overlook too many things and write them off as innocent.

All in all, I have to go with my girl Tamar Braxton on this one and tell this pastor’s whole family GET YO’ LIFE! Yes. Get it.

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Rhonda’s Favorite Things 2012

Everybody gets a car!!!!!!

Everybody gets a car!!!!!!

I’m Oprah, bi-yatch!

Ok, no I’m not Big O. But the idea is pretty damn awesome, gotta admit. So in an attempt to be cool and famous, I’ve glued myself to Oprah Winfrey Network in efforts to gain my chance at winning something. Anything.

Needless to say, that isn’t going so well for me. So…in yet another attempt to be cool and famous, I’m listing my favorite things just like she did! But, I won’t be giving out anything to you mofos, though, except a few random gifts to my family members. I just want you guys to get inside my head a little bit. Anyhooo–let’s get started!

1) MacBook Pro (and basically anything from Apple). The people who create these devices are either greedy geniuses or evil antichrists. Take your pick. Either way, this is the best thing I’ve spent my money on all year. It has something like 500GB of storage space so I have plenty of room to store my awesome music collection and natural hair pictures. I could go on. Basically if you don’t have one, then you’re losing. If you already own a Mac, then you’re going to hell with me for supporting this giant antichrist. #winning

apple-macbook-pro

2) Aeropostale sweats. I don’t know if they are made from butter-enhanced wool and cotton, but they sure feel like it. It is by far the most comfortable sweatsuit I’ve ever owned. Did I wear these all through high school and college when they were “in?” No. Don’t judge me, I running a little late for everything. But on the days where I want a little less booty jiggle visibility (i.e. while wearing velour sweatsuits), these are the remedy. And I caught them on sale during Black Friday.

Aero Sweats

3) Ta Boom Brazilian Food Truck’s Straganoff Burrito. Yes you read that correctly. One sweet day in LA, I had a super empty stomach. I craved something filling, like Mexican food, but who really WANTS Mexican? Exactly. This food truck pulled up to our office and a smile hit my face. Not only was I offered a full serving of Chicken Straganoff, but they would roll it into a burrito along with rice. You know what that’s called? #winning

burrito

4) Four Seasons Resort Maui. THE definition of luxurious vacation. Was I on vacay? No. I was working. But that doesn’t discredit this place’s magnificent views, superb restaurants, and hardworking concierge service. All rooms feature satellite radio built into the wall of the bathroom (which was basically built for *cough, cough* honeymoon sex…) and a terrycloth robe. I didn’t want to leave the room except to lay by the pool and be served margaritas.

FSMaui

5) Jordan Retro #9 My first pair. This means I’m no longer a Jordan-virgin and now I’m addicted. My collection is building rather nicely. More to come, so stay tuned.

jordan 9

6) American Apparel leggings. I got my first pair in 2008 and they still fit the same. This calls for a celebration, and by that I mean purchasing more leggings. For my ladies out there who know how difficult it is to find a good pair that isn’t too tight on the waist, doesn’t show through to your panties, and has a decent amount of Spandex to hold you in…I’ve found the solution. Look no further! And at $15 a pair & every color ever, feel free to splurge a little. I have black, grey, teal, purple, and red.

american apparel leggings

7) MAC Studio Fix Powder. I’m not really big on makeup, bur for special occasions, I do dab a little in painting my face. And I’ve gotten pretty decent at doing so. My absolute go-to is this powder. Why? Because it can be used on a clean face, versus on top of foundation and still get the job done. Plus, after just a few swipes, I achieve the look I need without feeling clownish. For better coverage and blending, use a kabuki brush (not the sponge applicator which makes it look caked on).

mac studio fix

macface

8) Delta Airlines ginger cookies by Biscoff. Simply a little taste of heaven. That’s it.

deltacookies

9) EDEN Bodyworks Temple Balm. Got an itchy scalp? Thinning edges? Looking for a light pomeade? Well this product does all of it. Doesn’t contain mineral oil or other heavy products that cause build up on the scalp. And it leaves you with a tingling sensation from a key ingredient: peppermint oil. Try it out, let me know what you think.

templebalmsm

Why MJ Always Wore White Socks

Shuhh-mon outta that bathroom!

When I was younger, I would spend the weekend at my aunt’s house to play with my cousin. And just like every black family, we all went to church together on Sunday morning.

These were the days your 5-minute-shower skills got tested.

One morning, my cousin was being particularly mischievous. He was toying with his food at breakfast, still had Legos scattered across his room from yesterday, and was cutting into the next person’s “turn” for the bathroom. He’d already been in there ten minutes and the shower was not yet running However, he was incessantly killing singing the chorus to Kirk Franklin’s “Silver and Gold,” which insinuated foot-dragging.

*Auntie bangs on the bathroom door*

“Boy? You better be almost done, Dad needs to get in there! Now you got five minutes. And I mean FIVE!!”

Faintly, I could hear the water from the bathroom sink start to flow as I listened from the kitchen. I sat in a chair battling a lint ball on my crisp white tights (for the average 7-year old girl, this conflict ends in a hole). In the corner, Auntie stroked the iron across my cousin’s button-up shirt. It was children’s choir Sunday.

Not even three minutes had passed before the bathroom door swung open. My cousin rushed past us in the kitchen while holding a ball of dirty clothes to cover his privates. Auntie put the iron away then grabbed a nearby switch off the counter (note: for my readers who aren’t old school, this is a switch–skip to 4:07). She follows behind my cousin toward his room waving the switch in the air, “Now what did I tell you to do?”

Cousin innocently looks up at Auntie and shrugs, “What?”

She points the switch at him with each word. “I said get in that bathroom and take care of your business! It don’t take that long! And did you brush your teeth?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?!”

“Yes ma’am, I did.”

Auntie grabs the starched shirt off the ironing board.  She slathers Vaseline on his scrawny legs then drapes an undershirt over his frail shoulders.

“AND DID YOU CHANGE YOUR SHORTS??!!”

“Yes ma’am, I did.”

My ears perked. I knew Auntie could tell that there was not a single drop of water on his back, thus insinuating he didn’t even get in the shower. I had no idea what “shorts” she was referring to, but I knew my cousin was in big trouble.

Fast forward to this day in 2012. I just finished watching Spike Lee’s “Bad 25” on ABC. In just about every clip/picture/scene/flashback, Michael Jackson is wearing his famous penny loafers with clean white socks. Neither the shoes nor the socks bother me; I’m stuck at the flooding pants. It’s so obvious that all of his trousers were tailored two inches above his ankles (did that become a fad? I don’t recall).

Well since I haven’t heard any sort interview (ever) to explain why MJ made this his trademark, I’ve come to this conclusion: long ago, little Michael was procrastinating in the bathroom on a Sunday morning. Katherine went in his room to scold him. She glanced down at his dingy socks and shrieks, “DID YOU CHANGE YOUR SOCKS??!!” He timidly replied, “Yes ma’am, I did.”

She says, “No you didn’t, or they would be sparklin’ white.” Little Michael tried to plead his case, but just wasn’t winning (he mistakenly grabbed Randy’s socks instead of his own). And since that day, he reassured Katherine daily that he did change socks by making sure she could see them. And they were indeed sparklin’ white.

May you rest in Heaven—

Michael Jackson

Julius K. Moore

There’s A Lot To Be Said In Silence

Silence Is Golden

Life stinks.

Shit happens.

Oh well.

Move on.

You’re cute!

Damn you.

That’s life.

Give up!

Hold on.

Back up.

Dust off.

That hurt.

What’s that?

Get it.

Recipe For My Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake

I’m going to tell you a story, so pay attention. But I have to make two points before I dive in…just play along. Okay? Ok good.

Point #1: If you know me, then you know that one of my alter-egos closely identifies herself with Rihanna. Her name is Tracy Boom. And yes, she surfaces when any Rihanna song from the past couple years plays over a stereo. I just can’t help shaking my own cakes saying, “but you wanna put ya name on it…” Call me nasty. Whatever. But this only happens when I’m alone or with close friends.

Point #2: I was on a date some time ago and the guy asked why I was still single. I gave a pretty detailed description (which made me sound pathetic) and after the date, I felt kinda lame. Here I am about a year after the fact, and men still ask me that question. It feels like a sort of precursor for the date; a way of saying, “You’re cute. You’re smart. What’s REALLY wrong with you?” Grinds my gears each time. Of course now, I have a more creative answer to make me appear less lame. (wait…am I lame???)

Now that I’ve made my points, here’s what I want to know: what’s the problem with single women? Exactly how many of us are inhibiting our inner freaks ourselves and why? Why are we still single? Why are we holding out on slicing the cake? And what does a man have to do to get some cake? Glad you asked.

Here’s my 2-cents in answering a couple of those in no particular order:

  • MEN ARE IMPATIENT – Yes I’m aware that my female associates are throwing the cookie at every direction, so it becomes the norm for guys to expect it rather quickly. Stop that shit. Ladies, make him wait little while longer, and fellas Google “courtship.”
  • WOMEN ARE PICKY – To some degree this is acceptable. But I overheard a girlfriend at dinner say, “He better not expect me to take care of him or his kid(s), he better pay for my meal, and open the car door. And he should have ‘good’ hair because mine is a lil’ nappy. And he better not be short because I stay in heels.” Hope that high horse she’s riding keeps her warm at night.
  • WE ARE BOTH TOO BUSY – Enough said. If you’re between work and sleep every waking hour, then you don’t really have time for dating. And you will be single until you learn how to balance each.
  • MEN ARE DROPPING THE BALL – This is probably the one I’ve noticed most in both mine and my girlfriends’ dating trials. In 2012, I don’t honestly expect a guy to show up at my doorstep for our date 10 minutes early with a bouquet of roses, heated seats activated in his Beamer, and a bottle of bubbly waiting at a 5-star dinner table. But he damn sure better not send a “I’m in front of yo crib” text and press the power locks on my door. No no, boo boo. Not saying men should go out of their way, but show a little courtesy and be somewhat chivalrous. That’s all I ask.
  • WOMEN HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM – I was having drinks with a group of sexy, intelligent women who were all discussing how ‘there’s no good men out here’ blah blah blah. Soon after we said that, a handsome, well-dressed group of guys sat at a nearby table. I had dibs on the chubby one already. But one sista said ‘the dark one is too good-looking for me.’ *clears throat* Excuse me? Oh man…I need another blog post for that remark. In short, I’ll just quote TLC: “Long as you know that I can have any man I want to…”

That’s all I have for now, folks. And FYI, I have a total of four alter-egos: myself, Rhonda Mae, Tracy Boom, and Josephine Strawberry.

No Sex In The City

There it was across the room on the floor in a brown, unmarked package. The box was large enough to fit a pair of pumps, but I had received all seven of my shoe shipments already. I scattered my dresser for a pair of scissors. I snatched the box open. And behold: my complete DVD collection of Sex and the City I had patiently (anxiously) awaited coming home to for several weeks.

Like many women, I’ve seen only snippets of a single season of the show, but never really got the chance to watch it all. And the DVD set is a bit pricey unless you’re a true fan willing to spend the dough. But thanks to Groupon, I now own it plus the two movies.

So far, I’m done with the first three seasons, and boy! I had no idea the show was this…terrible.

Let’s go back. The show is skillfully and creatively put together in a way that depicts typical, modern white women.  Although it’s set in NY, I choose to believe chicks all across the USA share similar traits. So why am I disappointed? Because most of it is a HUGE LIE! I’ll break down the characters–

1) Charlotte – whore. very conservative. also rather conservative in the bedroom because she doesn’t give head and detests kinkiness in general. judges Samantha for being an overt whore, though. has a glamorized view of marriage and yearns for her fairytale fantasy. also pretty judgmental overall.

2) Miranda – whore. stiff and rude. usually horny at times when she either can’t find a man or has run a decent one away. settles easily because she isn’t pretty. stereotypical ‘successful woman with high standards and a domestic feline’. would probably lead a feminist movement in support of Madonna’s comeback.

3) Samantha – whore. open to her sexuality and doesn’t hide her urges. often has cheesy lines in the script because she’s wealthy and shouldn’t appear wiser than Carrie although she is. complete MTLF (…replace the “I” in MILF with “they”…) who sees what she wants and goes for it. if she were black, she’d be Karrine Steffans.

4) Carrie – whore. shallow, but smart. symbolizes the “every woman” archetype in that she keeps running back to the man who hurt her, while believing things between them will change. tries to change men. supposedly the lead character (or villain depending on how you look at her) in that her battles with men are the largest. true homewrecker.

Why would the writers of this show perpetuate such formulas women in only four distinct categories? Why would they lie to us, presenting these exaggerated characters with extremely distorted views of men? Why did Carrie marry Big in the first movie (if she did this in, say, season 5 no one would’ve watched the rest)? Why the hell does Charlotte land two seemingly perfect guys? It seems our lofty leaders of Hollywood stringed us along folks. And we like it.

In my opinion, Miranda and Samantha are most realistic. I have no words for how much I despise Carrie (except for “Aiden should have spit in your face at the wedding”) and Charlotte is too Disney to be in her 30s. A mess this is.

Nevertheless, I can’t wait for Blair Underwood’s character to meet Miranda and knock her boots later in the show. I mean—that’s just good TV, who wouldn’t be excited?

808s and Cheesecake

I hate cheesecake. All kinds. Never liked it.

But you know what people say when tell I them that? “Oh, that’s because you haven’t tried the (fill in the blank) kind,” or “Oh, that’s because you haven’t tried mine.” Well guess what? I’ve tasted them all.

As a chocolate lover, I did those first: cookies ‘n’ cream, Snickers, chocolate chip, etc. But I don’t eat anything with fruit topping or filling, and I don’t like caramel. So that pretty much eliminates all other varieties!

But dislike for this indulgence places me in a unique category that further defines my being. And I’m pretty damn satisfied with it! Nothing you can say/do/try will sway me to other side, which can cause me to reconsider my viewpoints. How dare you do such a thing…and try to change me.

Boy, I could write a book from this. But I’ll refrain.

I get so sick and tired of people trying to change me! If I say I’m one way or another, let’s just leave it at that. Ex: I have a strict weight requirement for the men I date, so NO I don’t wanna meet your scrawny ass co-worker. When I go out on the town heels are mandatory, so NO I didn’t pack flip-flops in my purse. I have sported my natural hair for more than a year now, so NO I don’t want your ‘weave specialist’ recommendation.

Bottom line is this: it took me a while to like Me for Me. And now that I do, I’m sticking with her. She’s the chick who gets excited when hearing bass coming from a 745Li down the block. She’s the chick who genuinely watches Rams games. She’s the girl who only shaves her legs only when they’re going to be exposed.

And that’s perfectly ok.

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