I Can’t Stand The Rain

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I live in Los Angeles and this winter has been filled with gloomy precipitation. Not figuratively, but actual inches of rain. One night, it stormed so badly, rainwater seeped through my bedroom window and woke me up with a splash. That is a pretty random occurrence when you sleep alone… OH right… remember that guy from my last blog post in 2013?

Well we broke up. I spent the past 3+ years going through quite a rocky relationship. In December 2015 he proposed and about six months later I gave the ring back. Boo-hoo. Sad story. Don’t worry, though. I won’t waste your time with the details because there are funner (yeah, funner) things to talk about!

I’m back on my single shit and dating has gotten MUCH more interesting since I’ve learned a few more tricks. If you are at all interested in my dating escapades, stay tuned. But if you’re the subject of one of these stories, I promise I won’t publish your name.

Furthermore, the ‘New Edition Story‘ which aired on BET in January was quite possibly the best three nights of my television history. I mean, nothing had me glued to the screen more than The Box, Orange Is the New Black, and every episode of Flavor of Love. Luke James (blesssss that man and everything he pursues in life!) as Johnny Gill had me on fire. And still does. Kudos to the entire cast; they were spot on.

But can I just vent for a moment? The boys sang “Can You Stand the Rain” (like no other rendition you’ve ever heard, might I add) and I got caught in my feelings. The lyrics say:

On a perfect day I know that I can count on you
When that’s not possible, tell me, can you weather the storm?
‘Cause I need somebody who will stand by me
Through the good times and the bad times
She will always, always be right there
Sunny days – everybody loves them
Tell me, baby, can you stand the rain?
Storms will come, this we know for sure
Can you stand the rain?
Love unconditional I’m not asking this of you
And, girl, to make it last I’ll do whatever needs to be done
But I need somebody who will stand by me
When it’s tough she won’t run
She will always be right there for me.
Speaking on behalf of my last relationship, how long is it supposed to rain? Los Angeles has no idea where to store all of our water and we are still in a drought. Seattle gets rain damn near daily and it suits them fine. But rain in a relationship–are we supposed to ALWAYS BE RIGHT THERE? Hmm. Thoughts?
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Rules Of Attraction

I was sitting at a table near the bar engaged in foolish conversation with some girlfriends. It was still early, so the crowd hadn’t filled the dance floor just yet. Condensation dripped down the side of my drink and onto my wrist like a creeping spider. I gently placed the narrow straw to my lips, looked deeply into the bottom of my cup, and almost choked on was I saw in my peripheral: 6’2″, cocoa-toned, crisp plaid shirt tucked into creased slacks, and polished black leather shoes. “There is a God,” I thought.

Not sure if the fresh haircut or tailored pants are to blame for my lack of words, but a thousand thoughts filled my (dirty) mind. I wanted him!

Fast-forward to my recap of that evening via telephone with my favorite platonic guy friend. He stopped me mid-sentence when I mentioned the ‘loser with dirty shoes who kept trying to grind on me’ after the tall beau got my number. He said, “Rhonda, Rhonda, Rhonda. You single women with your ridiculous standards cease to amaze me!” Pause.

Me: “So my desire for good hygiene is a ridiculous standard? You’re telling me that you, being the dapper gentleman I know, would leave the house in Nike Air Force Ones from 2007? That’s just trifling!”

Him: “I’m not saying that, but I’m saying just because a guy’s shoes are dirty…that doesn’t make him ineligible.”

Me: “You’re crazy. Wouldn’t you feel the same way if a chick had crusty dried up gel along the edges of her weave? Or a dirty bra strap peeking out? It’s the same thing! Tell me these examples don’t parallel a guy-with-dirty-shoes.”

Him: “Wellll…”

Me: “Don’t lie.”

Needless to say, this debate lasted a few minutes. In my mind I won my case by concluding that men have a certain list of expectations they’d like a woman to meet before getting the number. Yea, though this list is significantly shorter that a woman’s, it exists.

Can we judge a potential partner based on outward appearances? I mean, is that right/fair? Why must they fulfill specific expectations and criteria?

It’s simple–the rules of dating go back hundreds of years. Do your research and discover the time periods where traditions called for both parties (male and female) to present themselves in mating rituals wearing their best adornments. Let’s call it history. Let’s call it logic! You present your best self in a job interview, so why should you behave differently in a social setting?

No, I’m not saying you should trick off your dollars for fancy labels *cough, cough, JORDAN RALPH LAUREN HERMES cough, cough*. I’m simply urging you put forth your best foot, cleanest socks, and for God’s sake, brush your teeth.

And this one’s for free; there’s a direct correlation between your smell and a lady’s likelihood to give up the panties. 

Recipe For My Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake

I’m going to tell you a story, so pay attention. But I have to make two points before I dive in…just play along. Okay? Ok good.

Point #1: If you know me, then you know that one of my alter-egos closely identifies herself with Rihanna. Her name is Tracy Boom. And yes, she surfaces when any Rihanna song from the past couple years plays over a stereo. I just can’t help shaking my own cakes saying, “but you wanna put ya name on it…” Call me nasty. Whatever. But this only happens when I’m alone or with close friends.

Point #2: I was on a date some time ago and the guy asked why I was still single. I gave a pretty detailed description (which made me sound pathetic) and after the date, I felt kinda lame. Here I am about a year after the fact, and men still ask me that question. It feels like a sort of precursor for the date; a way of saying, “You’re cute. You’re smart. What’s REALLY wrong with you?” Grinds my gears each time. Of course now, I have a more creative answer to make me appear less lame. (wait…am I lame???)

Now that I’ve made my points, here’s what I want to know: what’s the problem with single women? Exactly how many of us are inhibiting our inner freaks ourselves and why? Why are we still single? Why are we holding out on slicing the cake? And what does a man have to do to get some cake? Glad you asked.

Here’s my 2-cents in answering a couple of those in no particular order:

  • MEN ARE IMPATIENT – Yes I’m aware that my female associates are throwing the cookie at every direction, so it becomes the norm for guys to expect it rather quickly. Stop that shit. Ladies, make him wait little while longer, and fellas Google “courtship.”
  • WOMEN ARE PICKY – To some degree this is acceptable. But I overheard a girlfriend at dinner say, “He better not expect me to take care of him or his kid(s), he better pay for my meal, and open the car door. And he should have ‘good’ hair because mine is a lil’ nappy. And he better not be short because I stay in heels.” Hope that high horse she’s riding keeps her warm at night.
  • WE ARE BOTH TOO BUSY – Enough said. If you’re between work and sleep every waking hour, then you don’t really have time for dating. And you will be single until you learn how to balance each.
  • MEN ARE DROPPING THE BALL – This is probably the one I’ve noticed most in both mine and my girlfriends’ dating trials. In 2012, I don’t honestly expect a guy to show up at my doorstep for our date 10 minutes early with a bouquet of roses, heated seats activated in his Beamer, and a bottle of bubbly waiting at a 5-star dinner table. But he damn sure better not send a “I’m in front of yo crib” text and press the power locks on my door. No no, boo boo. Not saying men should go out of their way, but show a little courtesy and be somewhat chivalrous. That’s all I ask.
  • WOMEN HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM – I was having drinks with a group of sexy, intelligent women who were all discussing how ‘there’s no good men out here’ blah blah blah. Soon after we said that, a handsome, well-dressed group of guys sat at a nearby table. I had dibs on the chubby one already. But one sista said ‘the dark one is too good-looking for me.’ *clears throat* Excuse me? Oh man…I need another blog post for that remark. In short, I’ll just quote TLC: “Long as you know that I can have any man I want to…”

That’s all I have for now, folks. And FYI, I have a total of four alter-egos: myself, Rhonda Mae, Tracy Boom, and Josephine Strawberry.

Why We Need Awards Shows on BET

Alright, so, if you were bored at some point in the past few days, you probably caught a glimpse of the 2012 BET Awards. Or if you’re on Twitter, the posts clouded your homepage. And Facebook. And basically all of the social media you subscribe to. Anyhoo–year after year, I’m disappointed by the pure ratchetness that is BET and all that it stands for. But it in all fairness, we need things like Hip Hop Honors, Soul Train Awards, Essence Awards, NAACP Awards…you get the point…for our culture to thrive. How so, you ask?

1) New artists/rappers/randoms would go un-noticed: Be honest~did you know who Meek Mill was before his alleged involvement in the Drake & Chris Brown brawl? Right. He graced (I use the term lightly due to his baggy jeans) the red carpet, was nominated in the Best New Artist category, and basically coasted through the whole show without us giving a f–k. But thanks to BET, we all know who he is. Now he can continue to make music songs. Oh, and also the female rappers besides Nicki & Trina can get a shout out in their category. 

2) Tributes to those who’ve passed: Is it me or has 2012 brought some of the most tragic deaths at one time? Leave it to BET to pay these Afro-Americans some sort of respect (that tribute they did to MJ at the Awards was a joke, so it doesn’t count) that other networks probably wouldn’t do. 

3) Tributes to mf–rs who we forgot existed: Ok, so duh, Al Sharpton & Frankie Beverly ft. Maze are some of the “baddest mf–rs of all time,” and we would never truly forget them. But come on, is 2012 really the year they need an honor? I just went to an event in Hollywood a few years ago & guess who we  paid tribute to? Frankie Beverly ft. Maze. And since Rodney King, Sean Bell, and Trayvon Martin happened, we all know Al Sharpton is the voice of Blacks. You get the point.

4) So Chris Brown can continue to redeem himself: I don’t know why, but BET just loves to show how wonderfully talented, great, etc. CB is. He “showed out” at their [weak] MJ tribute, he’s the premiere episode on ‘Defining Moments’, blah blah blah. BET is the god of second chances. CB is on #6 at least.

5) For praises to Jesus: Nobody is more faithful to God that Black people. That’s the only explanation for the several Black churches throughout urban America. And no other deity (except Tyler Perry or Jay-Z) gets shout-outs like Jesus. So we have to thank BET for keeping us grounded in what matters, like a Yolanda Adams performance following Rick Ross’ spectacle. 

Those are my thoughts, peeps. What did you think of the BET ’12 Awards?

 

Usher.

I was in high school when Usher dropped the “Confessions” album. Of course I hadn’t been through any of the relationship mishaps that he was singing about, but I found them extremely entertaining and brutally honest. Love me some honesty. 

“Let It Burn” was one single from the album and dude really hit some valid points. I could relate to him burning inside, you know, when you really wanna hold on to something/somebody but it’s not healthy for you? Yeah. Yeah.

So here we are years later and “Climax” is at the top of the charts…no pun intended. Once again, my boy Ush is at the crucial point in a relationship where it’s not progressing. Sounds like a vicious cycle Mr. Raymond keeps getting himself into, but I’ll save elaborating on that for another day. Let talk about climaxing—

I found myself in a situation where I was giving WAY more than I was taking. Get your minds out of the gutter, this isn’t referencing between-the-sheets. But literally, I was exhausting myself mentally trying to carry this person on my shoulders. Everyday, there was an issue with them: stress, work is overwhelming, car is malfunctioning, health is in jeopardy, mom is trippin…always something!   So when I would focus my undivided attention to them, it began to drain me. At no point in time did I stop to refill my own cup, but I definitely continued to pour out what I had. And this individual absolutely kept drinking. 

After a while, I broke down. There was no more of me left. And that needy bastard blew me off, made it seem like I was the one ackin’ fun (acting funny). I even felt guilty for a moment & criticized myself for not being there. At that point I was forced to focus my attention inwardly. I did a self-exam, which forced me to conclude that this person is just too damn needy. They had a hefty circle of great friends, but wasn’t really returning any friendship! Hot diggity dog I’m a genius. 

So what did I do? Chunked up my deuces, found some new shit. Chris Brown. No, but seriously, I had to let them go before I found myself in a mental rut & the point of no return. 

Sure, my feelings were hurt, but it felt good to drop that dead weight. Jennifer Hudson. 

Football talk

Single In The City

I’m back, folks! It’s safe to assume that I’ve been dragged through the Hollywood mud for the past few years, but I came up for air and I’m good now. Let’s do a quick recap:

1) Working For a Celeb
2) Living With the Elderly
3) Stuck At An Intersection. In WeHo.
4) Losing Family And Friends…I’m Alone
5) What Boyfriend?

Each of these events are significant enough to elaborate on. So if you want the juicy details, stay tuned.

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