Recipe For My Cake, Cake, Cake, Cake

I’m going to tell you a story, so pay attention. But I have to make two points before I dive in…just play along. Okay? Ok good.

Point #1: If you know me, then you know that one of my alter-egos closely identifies herself with Rihanna. Her name is Tracy Boom. And yes, she surfaces when any Rihanna song from the past couple years plays over a stereo. I just can’t help shaking my own cakes saying, “but you wanna put ya name on it…” Call me nasty. Whatever. But this only happens when I’m alone or with close friends.

Point #2: I was on a date some time ago and the guy asked why I was still single. I gave a pretty detailed description (which made me sound pathetic) and after the date, I felt kinda lame. Here I am about a year after the fact, and men still ask me that question. It feels like a sort of precursor for the date; a way of saying, “You’re cute. You’re smart. What’s REALLY wrong with you?” Grinds my gears each time. Of course now, I have a more creative answer to make me appear less lame. (wait…am I lame???)

Now that I’ve made my points, here’s what I want to know: what’s the problem with single women? Exactly how many of us are inhibiting our inner freaks ourselves and why? Why are we still single? Why are we holding out on slicing the cake? And what does a man have to do to get some cake? Glad you asked.

Here’s my 2-cents in answering a couple of those in no particular order:

  • MEN ARE IMPATIENT – Yes I’m aware that my female associates are throwing the cookie at every direction, so it becomes the norm for guys to expect it rather quickly. Stop that shit. Ladies, make him wait little while longer, and fellas Google “courtship.”
  • WOMEN ARE PICKY – To some degree this is acceptable. But I overheard a girlfriend at dinner say, “He better not expect me to take care of him or his kid(s), he better pay for my meal, and open the car door. And he should have ‘good’ hair because mine is a lil’ nappy. And he better not be short because I stay in heels.” Hope that high horse she’s riding keeps her warm at night.
  • WE ARE BOTH TOO BUSY – Enough said. If you’re between work and sleep every waking hour, then you don’t really have time for dating. And you will be single until you learn how to balance each.
  • MEN ARE DROPPING THE BALL – This is probably the one I’ve noticed most in both mine and my girlfriends’ dating trials. In 2012, I don’t honestly expect a guy to show up at my doorstep for our date 10 minutes early with a bouquet of roses, heated seats activated in his Beamer, and a bottle of bubbly waiting at a 5-star dinner table. But he damn sure better not send a “I’m in front of yo crib” text and press the power locks on my door. No no, boo boo. Not saying men should go out of their way, but show a little courtesy and be somewhat chivalrous. That’s all I ask.
  • WOMEN HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM – I was having drinks with a group of sexy, intelligent women who were all discussing how ‘there’s no good men out here’ blah blah blah. Soon after we said that, a handsome, well-dressed group of guys sat at a nearby table. I had dibs on the chubby one already. But one sista said ‘the dark one is too good-looking for me.’ *clears throat* Excuse me? Oh man…I need another blog post for that remark. In short, I’ll just quote TLC: “Long as you know that I can have any man I want to…”

That’s all I have for now, folks. And FYI, I have a total of four alter-egos: myself, Rhonda Mae, Tracy Boom, and Josephine Strawberry.

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No Sex In The City

There it was across the room on the floor in a brown, unmarked package. The box was large enough to fit a pair of pumps, but I had received all seven of my shoe shipments already. I scattered my dresser for a pair of scissors. I snatched the box open. And behold: my complete DVD collection of Sex and the City I had patiently (anxiously) awaited coming home to for several weeks.

Like many women, I’ve seen only snippets of a single season of the show, but never really got the chance to watch it all. And the DVD set is a bit pricey unless you’re a true fan willing to spend the dough. But thanks to Groupon, I now own it plus the two movies.

So far, I’m done with the first three seasons, and boy! I had no idea the show was this…terrible.

Let’s go back. The show is skillfully and creatively put together in a way that depicts typical, modern white women.  Although it’s set in NY, I choose to believe chicks all across the USA share similar traits. So why am I disappointed? Because most of it is a HUGE LIE! I’ll break down the characters–

1) Charlotte – whore. very conservative. also rather conservative in the bedroom because she doesn’t give head and detests kinkiness in general. judges Samantha for being an overt whore, though. has a glamorized view of marriage and yearns for her fairytale fantasy. also pretty judgmental overall.

2) Miranda – whore. stiff and rude. usually horny at times when she either can’t find a man or has run a decent one away. settles easily because she isn’t pretty. stereotypical ‘successful woman with high standards and a domestic feline’. would probably lead a feminist movement in support of Madonna’s comeback.

3) Samantha – whore. open to her sexuality and doesn’t hide her urges. often has cheesy lines in the script because she’s wealthy and shouldn’t appear wiser than Carrie although she is. complete MTLF (…replace the “I” in MILF with “they”…) who sees what she wants and goes for it. if she were black, she’d be Karrine Steffans.

4) Carrie – whore. shallow, but smart. symbolizes the “every woman” archetype in that she keeps running back to the man who hurt her, while believing things between them will change. tries to change men. supposedly the lead character (or villain depending on how you look at her) in that her battles with men are the largest. true homewrecker.

Why would the writers of this show perpetuate such formulas women in only four distinct categories? Why would they lie to us, presenting these exaggerated characters with extremely distorted views of men? Why did Carrie marry Big in the first movie (if she did this in, say, season 5 no one would’ve watched the rest)? Why the hell does Charlotte land two seemingly perfect guys? It seems our lofty leaders of Hollywood stringed us along folks. And we like it.

In my opinion, Miranda and Samantha are most realistic. I have no words for how much I despise Carrie (except for “Aiden should have spit in your face at the wedding”) and Charlotte is too Disney to be in her 30s. A mess this is.

Nevertheless, I can’t wait for Blair Underwood’s character to meet Miranda and knock her boots later in the show. I mean—that’s just good TV, who wouldn’t be excited?

808s and Cheesecake

I hate cheesecake. All kinds. Never liked it.

But you know what people say when tell I them that? “Oh, that’s because you haven’t tried the (fill in the blank) kind,” or “Oh, that’s because you haven’t tried mine.” Well guess what? I’ve tasted them all.

As a chocolate lover, I did those first: cookies ‘n’ cream, Snickers, chocolate chip, etc. But I don’t eat anything with fruit topping or filling, and I don’t like caramel. So that pretty much eliminates all other varieties!

But dislike for this indulgence places me in a unique category that further defines my being. And I’m pretty damn satisfied with it! Nothing you can say/do/try will sway me to other side, which can cause me to reconsider my viewpoints. How dare you do such a thing…and try to change me.

Boy, I could write a book from this. But I’ll refrain.

I get so sick and tired of people trying to change me! If I say I’m one way or another, let’s just leave it at that. Ex: I have a strict weight requirement for the men I date, so NO I don’t wanna meet your scrawny ass co-worker. When I go out on the town heels are mandatory, so NO I didn’t pack flip-flops in my purse. I have sported my natural hair for more than a year now, so NO I don’t want your ‘weave specialist’ recommendation.

Bottom line is this: it took me a while to like Me for Me. And now that I do, I’m sticking with her. She’s the chick who gets excited when hearing bass coming from a 745Li down the block. She’s the chick who genuinely watches Rams games. She’s the girl who only shaves her legs only when they’re going to be exposed.

And that’s perfectly ok.

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